The Magic Chapter 1 - PREMIERE

As a special of this being the first Chapter and all I have decided to release it today. however, all of the others will be released on Friday nights. So without any more delay here is the first installment in The Magic. I hope you enjoy.
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CHAPTER 1

“There is a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased that line.”
– Oscar Levant

The young boy walked slowly down the street. His feet made dull thuds as they contacted with the rough pavement.

The sky was grey and there had not been a glimpse of the sun all day. Everything was a shadow today. No one was out wandering the streets, it was just the young boy, and Ryan was his name.

Ryan had been walking all day, Roaming the streets all day, trying to prolong going back to his house where his father was almost certainly drunk again.

His household was not a very nice place at all. His mother had married a man named John. John later decided to have a child with Ryan’s mom. So after nine months… there was Ryan. But his dad quickly developed a drinking problem Apparently being a father was not as easy as John had thought. So, consequently he decided to drown his troubles in inexpensive liquor and beer.

By age 6 Ryan had grown used to the dysfunction in his family as he watched his father come home drunk everyday and beat Him and his mother. It seemed natural to him. He just rolled with the punches and took the abuse.

Ryan continued to walk. He pulled up the collar of his fleece jacket as a cold wisp of wind grazed his cheek. It had been cold all week even thought it technically was Spring.

He glanced up to see an elderly man fumbling to unlock his car door. There was a click and the door opened and the man climbed inside. But something fell from his pocket. A wallet.
Ryan ran hurriedly towards the car hoping to catch the man before he drove off. He made it just as the car rumbled to life.

He scooped up the wallet and tapped on the car window. The old man in the driver’s seat jumped a bit but then came to his senses when he saw Ryan waving the wallet outside of the window.

The man rolled down the window for Ryan.

“Excuse me sir, I think you dropped this as you were getting in to the car.” Rya said politely.

“Why, yes. It does seem tha I am missing my wallet. Thank you, young man.” The man said as he reached out and took his wallet. “Say, what’s your name?”

“ I am Ryan.” He said handing the wallet over to its rightful owner.

“Well, thank you Ryan. And my name is Joe.” He replied. “Tell you what, Ryan. I want you to take this and go and buy yourself a nice hot meal. You’ll freeze out here.” He said holding up a twenty dollar bill.

“I couldn’t…” Ryan began.

“Please. I insist on it.” The man said crumpling the bill into Ryan’s hand. “I hope to see you again sometime.” The man said with a warm smile and then drove away.

Ryan looked at the twenty dollars he now had lying his hand. He smiled to himself and started walking again. Only this time he was headed towards a local diner. A small place called “The Grill.”.

When Ryan arrived he walked in and say himself at a small table by the window. He looked over the menu and decided that he would get a cheeseburger and fries with a coke. He made his order and started to sit back and stare out the window when all of a sudden a man in a suit wandered up to his table.

“Hey there!” The man said. “My name is Mike. What’s yours”

“I’m Ryan .” He replied a bit confused.

“ Nice to meet you Ryan. Say, do you like magic by any chance?”

Ryan had only seen magic twice before and it was on the television. He had been perplexed then so he replied yes.

“Well then, it just so happens I am working here as a magician tonight. Let me show you something real quick.” Mike said.

He pulled out a pack of cards and had Ryan select one. Then he proceeded to place his card in the center but with a snap of his fingers it rose back to the top. He repeated it numerous times and each time it was more amazing than the last. Finally, he pushed the card into the center and when Ryan looked up it was dangling out of Mies mouth. Ryan broke out in laughter. How could he have missed that?

“That was amazing!” He laughed. “Can you do another?”

“Well, I actually have to go to another table but if you come back here sometime I’ll show you some more.” Mike said. “I work here from twelve to nine everyday except for Sunday.”

“I’ll come back.” Ryan promised and Mike moved on.

It had all happened so fast. It was so impossible. How could he have missed it? But he knew that he had to come back and see another. And that was all Ryan needed…He was hooked.
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Next installment will be released on Friday the 20th. Enjoy this until then...
If you have any questions please contact me via PM. For comments just leave them here.

Dylan P.

PS: MODS CAN YOU PLEASE NEATEN THIS OUT FOR ME AND ADD INDENTS AND WHATEVER...
 
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Sep 2, 2007
1,229
0
very nice man! I like the way it was written. I found it a little rushed though etc. But I like the style. can;t wait for the next installment! Also: 12 - 9, 6 days a week!? thats a LOT of time!
 
Aug 31, 2007
199
0
Long Island
This was pretty interesting. So are you making a real book, or is this just for fun/creative writing?

A couple of things I noticed was there are a few spelling mistakes that were killing me and if I were a mod I would fix them, but I'm not. :D

Also, at one point near the beginning, your wording made it seem like you went from omniscient point of view to first person, and back again. I would consider revising. You're 14 right? If so then I can tell through the way you write.

Personally, I would try to avoid using simpler words, when you can replace them with "complex" words, thus making you seem much more intelligent ( not saying that you aren't ). But, that's just me because I love good vocabulary.

Keep them coming!
 
This was pretty interesting. So are you making a real book, or is this just for fun/creative writing?

A couple of things I noticed was there are a few spelling mistakes that were killing me and if I were a mod I would fix them, but I'm not. :D

Also, at one point near the beginning, your wording made it seem like you went from omniscient point of view to first person, and back again. I would consider revising. You're 14 right? If so then I can tell through the way you write.

Personally, I would try to avoid using simpler words, when you can replace them with "complex" words, thus making you seem much more intelligent ( not saying that you aren't ). But, that's just me because I love good vocabulary.

Keep them coming!


I'll answer this in parts...

1: No it is for fun. then i'll give it to my English teacher for credit.
2: For some reason My spell check doesn't work on everything. I did ask mods to neaten it up though.
3:Could you quote me on the first person part.
4: Normally I am good at writing but I had a migrane when I wroite this. Usually I have complex words and it sounds very good. I do apologize foir this on this occasion.
5: I too love good vocab. My favorite word: superfluous- more than needed, extra,
 
Aug 31, 2007
199
0
Long Island
The sky was grey and there had not been a glimpse of the sun all day. Everything was a shadow today. No one was out wandering the streets, it was just the young buy, and Ryan was his name.

----This is where the point of views seem to change. Also, words in red means it's spelled incorrectly.

He just rolled with the punches and took the abuse.

The word "rolled" in this sentence doesn't seem to sense to me.

There was a click and the door opened and the man climbed inside. But something fell from his pocket. A wallet.

Now I'm not the best in grammar, but instead of putting a period, and the "A Wallet," and then another period, you should use this ----> ;


A small place called “The Grill.”.

Just erase that extra period

when Ryan looked up it was dangling out of Mies mouth.
 
Jan 13, 2008
1,137
0
There was a click and the door opened and the man climbed inside. But something fell from his pocket. A wallet.

Now I'm not the best in grammar, but instead of putting a period, and the "A Wallet," and then another period, you should use this ----> ;
I would suggest a double dash. :)

Otherwise, good suggestions.

Another general observation would be to try to flesh out descriptions a bit...they seemed very concise, which doesn't really set the mood or visuals as much as you could (this is why novels are so much longer than short stories, they really flesh out the descriptions).

Also, although it's a small point (and I realize this is more of a personal style thing), I think hinting at an alcohol abuse problem through suggestive descriptions may have worked a little better. Again, this is likely just a style thing--I personally prefer to read (and write) in a way that doesn't explicitly state everything, thus leaving the reader to actually read into the story and take more from it than what's on the surface. :)

Overall, it was a fun read, though. I like short stories like that. :)

I'm sure that if the rest of the story is along the same lines as this, you'll get a decent grade (grade 9/10, is it? You should get a decent mark for this in grade 9/10, anyway). :)
 
Aug 31, 2007
199
0
Long Island
Also, although it's a small point (and I realize this is more of a personal style thing), I think hinting at an alcohol abuse problem through suggestive descriptions may have worked a little better. Again, this is likely just a style thing--I personally prefer to read (and write) in a way that doesn't explicitly state everything, thus leaving the reader to actually read into the story and take more from it than what's on the surface. :)

Yes this is exactly what I was going to mention. Try to change your wording so that the reader can infer what's taking place rather than it being said.
 
Nov 18, 2008
1,604
0
CA
Very nice man. Can't wait to find out what happens later on. I love how it's from the spectators view. It reminds me of when I was a little kid and saw magic for the first time.
 
Nov 15, 2007
1,106
2
35
Raleigh, NC
It was pretty good. For a first draft. It has potential, as they often say.

As an avid reader, and part-time writer, I noticed a lot of things that could be better.

I'm going to suggest two books. If you enjoy writing then you should definitely pick them up.

The Elements of Style by Strunk and White.

On Writing by Stephen King

the Strunk and White book cost me ten dollars and is only 105 pages with a glossary and an index. It's a must for everyone who wants to write anything. Papers, stories, and even forum threads.

On Writing was introduced to me my first year in college for a creative writing class. It deals specifically with ficiton writing. It has so many tips on writing that you can find something new in it every time you pick it up. I've read it front to back a half dozen times and it's brand new every time.

The paperback price for On Writing is like 8 bucks.

I'd post more and will PM you later, but it's dinner time and I love steaks.

-Rik
 
its pretty juicy i like your ideas are you writing this to fit in the forum box? because i think that maybe you should lengthen it a lil bit ynow? make it sound a little bit lengthier like most writers do.maybe its just me but when you are explaining the abuse it sounds like he just goes bleh and doesnt really care about it even though in RL he definatly would maybe make it seem like he is really scared and affected by it maybe give him a rougher personality like stealing the wallet? or taking a 20 while the guy realized he dropped it and took it away from the kid i dunno personally in all the books ive read the abused kids r kinda jerks
 
Nov 30, 2007
821
0
Nice job but remember that editing is a critical part of writing. I would have went through that a few more times.
 
Jan 13, 2008
1,137
0
Also, not just editing it yourself, but getting others to peer review it as well. With the way the brain works, we're hardwired to miss our own mistakes (nature is funny sometimes ;)).

In addition, when editing it yourself, you should read it out loud (it helps circumvent what I mentioned above, since you give more attention to the words in order to read them). Like, as if you're reading it to someone--not silently.

Although not earth shattering editing tips, they're tips none-the-less. :)
 
Hey guys thanks for the positive feedback. Le me just clear some things up...

Usually i have very good vocabulary and such but I had a severe migrane as I was writing and the computer screen wasn't helping so I kind of rushed. sorry. I promise you it will be better. Hopefully no more migranes.

Also, I am not writing this to fit the text box. I wrote a page and a half in microsoft word and then copied and pasted. That's all. They might be shoryter or longer depending on the section.

I do read this outloud but once again I rushed due to the migrane so I did miss a few mistakes. My bad.

I may make this into an ebook when I am done with it all but I am not sure.

OH! This might not be done by the end of this school year and may have to go towards English next year. I am planning roughly 20 -30 chapters give or take a few.

Dylan P.
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qnd regarding the alcohol abuse in the story. I wanted to come out front and tell you about it. i do things differently then most people. i am like Quinten Terentino. He starts from the end of the movie and goes to the beggining, I explain certain things out front while leaving some blatantly obvious questions like:

Who was the guy in the car???
Will the man in the car and Ryan see eachother again???
Why does Ryans mom come up only very breifly???
And is Mike the magician a pedophile??? (Kidding)

However, the reason Ryan doesn't take the wallet is because he is not a bad kid. He "rolls with the punches" to quote the story. But he is a good kid and sees the error of his fathers ways.

However, that's all i can say on the subject for now. More will become apparent in the upcoming weeks. Stay tuned to get answers and see why everything is written the way it is. The next installment is next Friday, the 20th...
 
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Jan 13, 2008
1,137
0
"If there's a gun on the mantel in Act 1, it must go off in Act III."
I love it. Sums up my thoughts perfectly. :)

I see the thought process, I really do see what you're trying to do...it's just...I dunno. I'll just wait till it's all released before I say anything further. I'll let ya roll with your own story, without adding any unnecessary bumps for you to have to make it over, heh. :)
 
Jan 22, 2009
16
0
Sweden
It was nice, for being 14 you are good at writing. Though a few things, like cutting down on repeating the same names and words to much would do wonders i think.

Edit: And work on making the sentences more living. Kind of hard to describe what i mean but try to avoid just stating facts, it gives you the feeling somebody young has written it.
 
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