Hello there,
I am creating this thread as I have encountered a problem of sorts which has stopped me performing one of my favourite hobbies; magic.
The problem is one not addressed commonly and is something we all deal with every time we approach anyone with the intent of performing magic. This issue is something never directly dealt with as it is(even I, myself seem to be taking an age to get to the point) and this is; lying.
Call it what you may, lying is what we do and its what creates the ever impressive feats being performed on stages, street corners and in bars all over the world. It is the very thing that is magic.
Herein lies my problem.
Some of my favourite times of my life have been performing magic for complete strangers for little more than a drink to whet my whistle, however, some of the worst times of my life have been performing magic for complete strangers with the whistle being blown and the charade falling apart. My discomfort came not from a sense of failure at accomplishing magic, but a realisation that everything we as a group had engaged in, all built up excitement and joy, was nothing more than a pack of lies.
During a particularly dismal Sunday night in a local bar entertaining the familiar patrons with several psychological card tricks and some hypnosis; everything fell apart in front of me. Whilst performing a version of OOTW the illusion was revealed for the smoke and mirrors that it is within mere moments of the trick getting started. A great sense of uncomfortable shame filled the bar. The room looked awkwardly at its feet feeling cheated. The little renown I had sank like a stone in the sea.
I went home and shrugged it off. It was no biggy. This had happened before and I'd come back from far worse. Unfortunately, the repercussions this would have on me as a performer were, at this time, completely unknown. It was only the next time I went out to perform(I only ever perform at parties and bars, I don't do gigs) that the true revelation of the feeling of that gloomy Sunday was to be found.
I couldn't do it.
No matter how much people asked, no matter what they offered, no matter what amount of violence would occur due to my lack of enthusiasm I could not even pull the deck of cards out that I had with me for the sole purpose of performing tricks with.
Anxiety filled my every pore as I battled with my own mind at this dilemma. These people wanted the entertainment they had heard of through others or experienced themselves at one point whilst in my company, but I could not face the idea of lying to these people. I could not let them think that I was something I'm not.
This lead me into a strange existential thought that my entire life was this. Everything I wanted in life was a mimic of a thought, an idea. Happiness lay in an ethereal state and all we do is try to replicate this in reality. If this is the case could I ever be happy? Could I ever be sad? Could I ever be anything at all?
These thoughts troubled me for about a year, during which time I stopped performing entirely and devoted my time to other hobbies such as cardistry and flourishing, but only so as a past time of the hands(I am an incessant fidget). Then, last Friday I went to a friends party and sat drinking round the table with a few friends and noticed a pack of cards laying idly on the table. Without thought I picked them up and started doing a few cuts and shuffles. Being inclined to order, I unknowingly found myself half way through Lennart Greens angle separation when a beautiful young girl asked me if I knew any card tricks. Before I could open my mouth to answer my friends piped in with various tales of wonderment of confused memories of several different tricks all condensed to one unfathomable puzzle of wizardry. As she sat there bright eyed with a huge smile on her face I knew I had to do something. So, immediately I set out on OOTW using the Dunn deal and a heavy helping of cold reading mixed in for good measure and soon found myself to be enjoying myself. More importantly, so was she. I continued with another trick, during which she laughed out loud, held her hands to her mouth in disbelief and astonishment. This was great. I was performing again, the parties attention had turned to the table where this man was performing magic, reading minds and even allowing others to have magical powers with cards. Alas, this feeling didn't last too long.
As I awoke the next day I pondered on the impression I made to that girl. Yes, she was happy. She had enjoyed her night and some things she had never seen before. But, I knew that it was all a lie, a hoax. It was not so much the idea that her ignorance had bought her bliss that caused a problem, but the fact that she thought I was something that I'm not. My persona as far as she saw was not the true me(if there to be such a thing).
And, now, here I am. Eager to bring entertainment and joy but terrified of the lie that it rides in on. This clash of differences is getting to me now, I can't stop thinking about performing but I can't deal with the guilt.
Has anyone had any similar problems to this? Has anyone any advice? Help me Theory11, you're my only hope...
I am creating this thread as I have encountered a problem of sorts which has stopped me performing one of my favourite hobbies; magic.
The problem is one not addressed commonly and is something we all deal with every time we approach anyone with the intent of performing magic. This issue is something never directly dealt with as it is(even I, myself seem to be taking an age to get to the point) and this is; lying.
Call it what you may, lying is what we do and its what creates the ever impressive feats being performed on stages, street corners and in bars all over the world. It is the very thing that is magic.
Herein lies my problem.
Some of my favourite times of my life have been performing magic for complete strangers for little more than a drink to whet my whistle, however, some of the worst times of my life have been performing magic for complete strangers with the whistle being blown and the charade falling apart. My discomfort came not from a sense of failure at accomplishing magic, but a realisation that everything we as a group had engaged in, all built up excitement and joy, was nothing more than a pack of lies.
During a particularly dismal Sunday night in a local bar entertaining the familiar patrons with several psychological card tricks and some hypnosis; everything fell apart in front of me. Whilst performing a version of OOTW the illusion was revealed for the smoke and mirrors that it is within mere moments of the trick getting started. A great sense of uncomfortable shame filled the bar. The room looked awkwardly at its feet feeling cheated. The little renown I had sank like a stone in the sea.
I went home and shrugged it off. It was no biggy. This had happened before and I'd come back from far worse. Unfortunately, the repercussions this would have on me as a performer were, at this time, completely unknown. It was only the next time I went out to perform(I only ever perform at parties and bars, I don't do gigs) that the true revelation of the feeling of that gloomy Sunday was to be found.
I couldn't do it.
No matter how much people asked, no matter what they offered, no matter what amount of violence would occur due to my lack of enthusiasm I could not even pull the deck of cards out that I had with me for the sole purpose of performing tricks with.
Anxiety filled my every pore as I battled with my own mind at this dilemma. These people wanted the entertainment they had heard of through others or experienced themselves at one point whilst in my company, but I could not face the idea of lying to these people. I could not let them think that I was something I'm not.
This lead me into a strange existential thought that my entire life was this. Everything I wanted in life was a mimic of a thought, an idea. Happiness lay in an ethereal state and all we do is try to replicate this in reality. If this is the case could I ever be happy? Could I ever be sad? Could I ever be anything at all?
These thoughts troubled me for about a year, during which time I stopped performing entirely and devoted my time to other hobbies such as cardistry and flourishing, but only so as a past time of the hands(I am an incessant fidget). Then, last Friday I went to a friends party and sat drinking round the table with a few friends and noticed a pack of cards laying idly on the table. Without thought I picked them up and started doing a few cuts and shuffles. Being inclined to order, I unknowingly found myself half way through Lennart Greens angle separation when a beautiful young girl asked me if I knew any card tricks. Before I could open my mouth to answer my friends piped in with various tales of wonderment of confused memories of several different tricks all condensed to one unfathomable puzzle of wizardry. As she sat there bright eyed with a huge smile on her face I knew I had to do something. So, immediately I set out on OOTW using the Dunn deal and a heavy helping of cold reading mixed in for good measure and soon found myself to be enjoying myself. More importantly, so was she. I continued with another trick, during which she laughed out loud, held her hands to her mouth in disbelief and astonishment. This was great. I was performing again, the parties attention had turned to the table where this man was performing magic, reading minds and even allowing others to have magical powers with cards. Alas, this feeling didn't last too long.
As I awoke the next day I pondered on the impression I made to that girl. Yes, she was happy. She had enjoyed her night and some things she had never seen before. But, I knew that it was all a lie, a hoax. It was not so much the idea that her ignorance had bought her bliss that caused a problem, but the fact that she thought I was something that I'm not. My persona as far as she saw was not the true me(if there to be such a thing).
And, now, here I am. Eager to bring entertainment and joy but terrified of the lie that it rides in on. This clash of differences is getting to me now, I can't stop thinking about performing but I can't deal with the guilt.
Has anyone had any similar problems to this? Has anyone any advice? Help me Theory11, you're my only hope...