I don't know if anybody can relate to this in any way, but I just want to express this and see what replies I get. The thing is, I used to love magic. It used to be my number 1 passion. I didn't just view it as a hobby. It was part of me, and I loved everything about it. The whole idea of it and the mysteriousness and the creativeness of it really struck a chord with something about my personality and I guess who I was at the time. I wanted to be a serious student of the art, and I poured a HELL of a lot of time, energy, and money into learning everything I could about methods, history, theory, you name it, and at one point I was traveling over an hour to attend IBM meetings every month. I wanted to know everything there was to know so I could be a great performer. But for some reason I always had something blocking me. I have actually performed before and gotten great reactions, but eventually I stopped because I got to a point where it felt like I didn't have the artistic vision to make the effects believable and workable for me in a truly entertaining and amazing way. As much as I still loved magic, I almost never actually performed it anymore. There were a few times when I just gave up and stopped trying, stopped studying or practicing anything. Then some time would go by and I would want to get back into it. But I was starting to realize that I just didn't care anymore. There have been times when I really tried hard to rekindle my love for the art, and just couldn't find it in me anymore. Fast forward to today, and the magic that was inside me is now undeniably completely dead, pretty much with no hope of resurrection. I feel like I've wasted everything I ever invested in magic. It was so much a part of me that it's what I was known for and to this day people still associate me with it, and it's super depressing now when people ask me about it and I have to say "nah... I don't do that stuff anymore because I just don't care." I feel like I've wasted what could have been an awesome career as well. Now I'm stuck in the same situation that so many other people are, lost with no direction in life and stuck in a life where I'll always have to work a job that I hate going to, and barely making enough money to get by. I did finally come up with another idea for a career that I'm about to try to go to school for, but only because I feel like I would hate this career a bit less than the current job I'm in. It's something I'm somewhat interested in, but I feel like I'll never have the passion for anything ever again that I used to have for magic.