I really love this art. I'm 24 now and have been practicing since I was 7 or 8 (save for a break or two here and there). It's a part of who I am as a person now. For a little while I was only performing full time. Eventually things just got too hard and I had to work-work. I've found myself growing in a career outside of magic - web security. I love it. Now that I've got this going, I've been trying to get back to performing as a side income but it's been insanely difficult and I wanted to talk about it.
I love giving people that sense of wonder. It's an escape from the everyday norm and for the most part, people love it. My mom used to tell me that was the REAL magic - that I could connect with so many people and provide something that not many others can. It's really a beautiful thing and it's why we do what we do. Well, it's why I love it anyway. But I'm finding it hard to perform for people. I don't know how else to explain why, so I'm just going to lay it out:
I hate people. I mean, I love people - I've met so many beautiful people and they're amazing. But as a whole, I hate us all. I look at strangers and feel a sense of insecurity. I don't know who they are as a person and that forces me to have a negative outlook on them until I'm proven wrong. How could I know? They could make fun of me, they could adore me, they could completely hate me or be a huge fan, instantly. I'm getting anxious just typing about it. I have to assume the worst will happen because if I don't, I'm setting myself up to be hurt.
I want to perform so badly. I don't have much of a problem with close up. I can talk to people and get a feel for them. I can get away whenever I want if things go bad. These feelings I have have only been a problem since I started inching closer and closer to a stage. I've done stage shows in the past, don't get me wrong. But it's been a very long time and it's SO hard getting back up there. The most recent show I did was several months ago at the local coffee and wine bar. I didn't think I did so well but according to literally everyone else that I talked to afterward, I killed it. It's crappy that even still, this is insanely hard for me to get over.
I don't know how else to end this. I just needed to type it out and am hoping to have a meaningful discussion about these things.
I love giving people that sense of wonder. It's an escape from the everyday norm and for the most part, people love it. My mom used to tell me that was the REAL magic - that I could connect with so many people and provide something that not many others can. It's really a beautiful thing and it's why we do what we do. Well, it's why I love it anyway. But I'm finding it hard to perform for people. I don't know how else to explain why, so I'm just going to lay it out:
I hate people. I mean, I love people - I've met so many beautiful people and they're amazing. But as a whole, I hate us all. I look at strangers and feel a sense of insecurity. I don't know who they are as a person and that forces me to have a negative outlook on them until I'm proven wrong. How could I know? They could make fun of me, they could adore me, they could completely hate me or be a huge fan, instantly. I'm getting anxious just typing about it. I have to assume the worst will happen because if I don't, I'm setting myself up to be hurt.
I want to perform so badly. I don't have much of a problem with close up. I can talk to people and get a feel for them. I can get away whenever I want if things go bad. These feelings I have have only been a problem since I started inching closer and closer to a stage. I've done stage shows in the past, don't get me wrong. But it's been a very long time and it's SO hard getting back up there. The most recent show I did was several months ago at the local coffee and wine bar. I didn't think I did so well but according to literally everyone else that I talked to afterward, I killed it. It's crappy that even still, this is insanely hard for me to get over.
I don't know how else to end this. I just needed to type it out and am hoping to have a meaningful discussion about these things.