Lost and Gone

[William Draven]

Dear Forums,

There are only two things that can happen to a creative individual that can absolutely devastate it. Loss of identity, and Loss of personal voice. Without them you are unable to create, unable to entertain, and perhaps worse off unable to remain true to your creative self. I'm fearful that I may have fallen into those nasty snares myself. I'm working with the material that I want to work with but things aren't flowing as naturally for me as I'd like them too. I'm no longer stringing together five different tricks, instead I'm scripting, carefully choosing material, and constructing shows based on a theme. Frankly, this stuff is hard!

In the past five years I've found myself blessed with immense personal growth, both professionally and internally. I've seen my magic evolve, change, become stronger, and I myself have changed with it. I've gone from just another guy in a suit, to a unique character. I've been blessed to know some amazing people, many of them I've met through here. My mentors have challenged me to grow, to think outside the box, and to always question everything. I'm very blessed.

Right now I'm finding myself in a very turbulent time of transition. I'm not satisfied with my magic, and in my constant reworking of my performance selections, character, wardrobe, and professional philosophies I've managed to become lost. I'm not at all happy with where I am, and I'm finding my confidence shaken in what I am doing. This isn't a question of whether or not I can entertain someone. It's a question to what (if any) sustenance I'm giving my audience to take home with them from my show. Am I feeding them intellectually, spiritually, or emotionally? What is the message I'm trying to send? Unfortunately the simple desire to entertain and amaze people just isn't enough for me anymore. I need something deeper and I feel if I can only figure out what that is I'll evolve again unto the next level of performer.

When I got started here on this forum I was blessed with the opportunity to share some of the insights from my work experience as a salesman. Marketing tips that were sure to help others, as they had me, find work in this wonderful business of show. I was blessed even more so to learn from some of the more enlightened members on this forum in return. I may not have always gotten along with certain people, but a solid foundation of respect was built, and received. Now though, as I am fighting with my own inner demons I'm conflicted with this higher pursuit of magic. This has been an intense period of soul searching, writing, scripting, and looking long and hard at what looks back from my mirror. I've not been as active on the forums because I don't feel I have as much to bring to the table anymore. Whats worse is I feel strangely alienated from the general course of topical conversation (that seems to bounce back and forth between check out my latest cardistry move, do you think I could sell this thing I invented, and the deck flavor of the week). I'm happy to be able to sit at the table with everyone, but I've felt my well run dry for sometime now and I'm just going to call the elephant out as I see it.

In short, I'm taking a break. I need to find my voice again, and I need to be around things that will inspire me to become what I need to. Once I feel like I've got something worth value to bring back to the table, maybe I'll return. I'm not quitting magic, I'm just taking the time I need to develop myself more. I'm still online, and available through many of the social means if you know how to find me I just don't think I'll be very active here until I've found what I'm looking for.

I want my voice back. I want my direction, my motivation. I want my vision, and I don't think discussing my favorite deck of cards every other day is going to help me find it. Most importantly I want anything I have to say on the forums here to not be clouded by personal indecision. I want my advice, my thoughts, and my topics to be drawn from experience and spoken with confidence, not speculation and theory. You deserve better than I've given as of late so I'm going to go find what it is that I lost.

Thanks everyone for everything. We'll see you back on the lot.

 

[Toby]

Sorry to hear that man. I'm going through the similar period in my life. The past month and a half have been the worst as far as I can remember. I'm in a very depressing period, which also reflects on my magic. I feel like I'm stagnating, like I'm in one place, and that everyone is better than me, or getting better than me, and I'm just standing in one place. Not a good place to be.

As far as this forum goes, and threads and posts in it, it's been going south for a while now. Just look at the review section, there is maybe one new review every month. If someone posts a good topic to discuss, it usually dies after 5-10 comments, and it's always the same people that post in those threads. And then there are "favorite deck/trick" threads that get 4-5 pages of responses, by all these people that come out of nowhere. This forum is dying slowly but surely. I'm comparing this period now, and the one 5 and a half years ago when it started, and it's a disaster.

Btw. I'll definitely miss you on here, your input has always been highly helpful and more than appreciated.

 

[WakingHollow]

Still just a teenager, i have a good bit of problem's, bipolar disorder, depression and things like that, theres alot of times that this inflicts my magic and alot of the shows i do, sometimes in a very noticeable way, almost like a split personality thing during shows it makes some of my magic suffer and sometimes i had done so bad in my opinion i dont charge the people, and the forums are going somewhere and its kinda sad a little bit, alot of times new people will get into arguments with others or someone posts some spam junk, it is important to know who you are as a magician, because it almost defines your magic and the kind of magic you do, when you start to lose your voice it almost feels like your a voice in the choir of saints, respect to you man, we wish you luck and see you on the other side.