Diary of a Nitwit Magician

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Mar 29, 2008
Day 4

I just got back from the bar. The girl doesn't like me. She told me to
f**k off. Her name's Sylvia and she's a real b****h.

I went right up to her and showed her the LF monte. I thought she'd
think it was funny but she didn't. She doesn't have a sense of humor. (I
bet she's a feminist.) I showed the trick to one of the waitresses and
she thought it was kind of cute but she couldn't watch the rest of my
tricks because she had to work. I gave her my phone number though. She
said she might call me but she's been busy lately. I am thinking of
making business cards.

I am going to go to a different bar tomorrow night.

Update you soon....
Mar 29, 2008
Day 5

I think I need to buy more magic stuff. I can't do the sponge balls at
all. They keep falling out of my hand and I can't do the RETENSION
VANISH that it says in the instructions. I practiced it over and over
again yesterday while I was waiting for the bus and it didn't work.

The best trick I did at the new bar last night was the MIND CONTROL one.
I showed it to these two girls who were there by themselves. I told one
girl to name a card and she said the blue one. So I turned that card
over and it said YOU WILL PICK THE BLUE CARD on the back. Then I showed
them the backs of the other cards and there was nothing on them and they
were so amazed. Then her friend wanted to do the trick and I said okay.
She picked the green card and I pulled out the envelope and showed her
the prediction that said YOU WILL CHOOSE THE GREEN CARD. She wasn't as
impressed as her friend was. She wanted to know what would happen if she
chose the yellow card and I told her I couldn't tell her because
magicians never reveal their secrets.

Then I stuck a matchstick up my nose. I finished it off with the LF
monte. I asked one of the girls to give me her phone number and she did
but I must have copied it down wrong because when I tried to call it
later... it was a wrong number.
Mar 29, 2008
Day 6

I decided to read the card trick book I bought at the store the other
day. I don't have a deck of cards but my Mom said she has one at her
place that I can have. She says it's missing a 7 of Clubs but it's still
in her desk drawer. I said I didn't mind.

I've been reading the book lots and learning lots of cool tricks. Some
of them are hard though. (There's this thing called a double lift which
is impossible to do.) I'm going to take the cards to the bar tomorrow.
Mar 29, 2008
Day 7

Guess what? That magician was there again. His name's Tom and he's a
real A-hole.

I went in and Tom was doing a trick for a bunch of people. (Some lame
thing where someone's card appears in his wallet.) So I walked right up
to him and said I was going to show him a trick. I did this real neat
trick called the 21 card trick that I got out of that book. He was such
a jerk about it. I could tell he was blown away by it but he was too
proud to admit it. I showed him my LF monte too (just showed him, didnt
perform it for him, im not gay) and he told me it was a disgusting
trick and no self-respecting magician will do it. A-hole.

Then he told me that I shouldn't be interrupting his performance because
he's trying to do his job. He thinks he's so great just because he gets
paid to do it. He's a total A-hole. I bet the girl that kissed him that
night was his sister.
Mar 25, 2008
Can't.... breathe.... laughing... too..... hard...... gasp. Having..... stroke....

Seriously though, why are you BUYING magic books you retard. Those thieves at the magic shop are too greedy to tell you that you can download magic books and videos for FREE on the internet. That's how you become a real magician.

Keep up the diary. Can't wait to see what happens next.
Mar 29, 2008
Day 8

I saw Tom again today. He was at the magic store. He wasn't mad at me
though. He was in there talking to Jeff and he said to me: "I can tell
you're new to magic so there are a few things that you need to know."

He tried to tell me that I should be performing tricks with BICYCLE
cards. He said the cards my Mom gave me weren't very "appropriate."
(They have puppy dogs on them with pink bows in their hair.) Like it
makes any difference what kind of cards I use. But Tom gave me a deck of
Bicycle cards so I guess that's okay.

He asked me to do my show for him. I did it. I started with the ball and
vase and he wasn't impressed. Then I did the mind control one and I
flubbed it up because I was so nervous. (He picked the blue card and I
told him to look at what it said on the pen. It said YOU WILL PICK
YELLOW and so I said oops. I was so nervous.) Then I did the match up
the nose trick and topped it off with a card trick from the new Bicycle
deck. It's so neat. You have someone take a card and then you look at
the bottom card. You have the person put the card on top and cut the
cards and then you look through the deck and find it.

Tom told me if I really want to learn how to do magic, I should buy
books and go to magician meetings. Whatever. He told me I should buy a
$50 book called INTRODUCTION TO BASIC SLEIGHTS. Like Hell I'm going to
pay that much for a book. Instead I bought something called HIPPITY HOP
RABBIT. It cost some money but that's okay... I'm gonna take it to the
bar tomorrow night...
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Nov 23, 2007
Ha. Maybe you should try something with explosions or fire. I'm sure your smart enough not to get burned and they are flashy and always seem to get a lot of attention. Plus bartenders love it when you do things with open flames in their establishments. Good luck:)
Hey! I had that little blue vase trick when I was like 5! Where there is like a half red ball thing that you pickup with the lid and the ball sits underneath, that trick was the bomb man. I used to do that trick all the time, till I turned 6 and adults gave up pretending to be impressed and I gave up magic because my dreams were shattered.
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